Navigating the Emotional Challenges of Your Surrogacy Journey

Starting the surrogacy process can bring waves of hope and anxiety.

I’m Olga Pysana, an independent international surrogacy consultant, and I’ve supported many intended parents through exactly this journey.

Although I’m not a therapist, I want to share what I’ve learned about the emotions that often arise.

Every feeling you have is valid, and it can help to know you’re not alone.

Let’s walk through some of the common challenges and coping strategies together.

Trust issues

One of the most common sources of anxiety for intended parents in international surrogacy is trust. With clinics and agencies operating across borders, and with varying regulations and levels of transparency, it’s natural to wonder:

• Did I choose the right agency?

• Are they really acting in our best interest?

• Has our surrogate been fully screened and medically cleared?

• What happens if the agency disappears tomorrow?

These questions can feel overwhelming, especially when you’re navigating the emotional stakes of building your family. Not all agencies operate with the same integrity, and profit motives can sometimes conflict with the best interests of your future child or surrogate.

How to manage this worry:

• Do your homework: Read reviews, ask for referrals from other intended parents, and investigate the agency’s reputation thoroughly.

  
  

• Work with independent surrogacy consultants if possible, since they can provide unbiased guidance and help you evaluate options.

  
  

• Ask tough questions: Inquire about surrogate matching, medical protocols, contingency plans, and legal safeguards. A reputable agency should welcome your questions.

  
  

• Pay attention to communication: Notice how quickly and transparently your team responds, and whether they respect your input.

  
  

• Trust yourself: If something feels off, pause, ask for clarification, or seek a second opinion.

Financial stress and vulnerability

Surrogacy is a major financial commitment, often costing tens of thousands of euros or dollars once medical, legal, agency, and travel expenses are added up. Even with careful planning, unexpected costs, such as additional IVF attempts or extra legal fees, can arise and increase stress.

This financial pressure can make intended parents hesitant to ask questions or raise concerns, worrying that doing so might increase costs or disrupt the process. It’s important to remember that advocating for your child’s wellbeing should never put you at financial risk. Ethical agencies and clinics expect transparency and informed involvement.

One of the most important protections is clear, milestone-based payment timelines. Large upfront payments can leave you financially exposed and “locked in” if timelines change or issues arise. 

You’re not alone in feeling financially vulnerable. Many intended parents share this stress, and approaching the budget thoughtfully: asking questions, avoiding large advance payments, and building a financial buffer, can make the journey feel more manageable and secure.

Loss of control

Entrusting your baby to a surrogate, especially in another country, can deeply intensify feelings of loss of control. Your child is growing in someone else’s body, far away, and you won’t experience the pregnancy day by day or be physically present for every milestone.

In international surrogacy, this often shows up as heightened worry: Is the surrogate safe?

Does she have everything she needs? Is the agency truly providing proper medical care, emotional support, and protection? Are they doing everything possible to ensure a healthy pregnancy and birth? These concerns are natural and valid.

Even when the surrogate is caring and the medical team is competent, intended parents often feel powerless. Once the embryo transfer is complete, there is very little you can actively do. Clinicians often describe this phase as a true “loss of control” trigger, where waiting becomes the hardest part.

For intended mothers in particular, this can stir complex emotions—sadness or guilt about not carrying the baby themselves, or grief tied to years of infertility that can make surrendering control even more difficult. In international surrogacy, these feelings are often magnified by distance and reliance on others, reinforcing the need for transparency, trust, and regular communication.

You can focus on what you can control - like staying healthy, asking questions, and building a positive partnership with your agency, your surrogacy consultant, your partner and surrogate. 

Loss of autonomy

It’s also common to feel a loss of autonomy over the timeline and pace. When you’re building a family on your own terms, suddenly you may be “waiting on calls” from coordinators, agencies, or lawyers. The clinic might decide on the transfer date, the lawyer might set times for paperwork, and the agency coordinator might dictate when you hear updates. Instead of calling the shots, you find yourself often in a holding pattern - waiting for others to schedule things. This can be deeply frustrating when you’re used to being in control.

In fact, surrogacy specialists list this as a key challenge: the lengthy process, multiple parties, and waiting periods can make even eager intended parents feel like time is moving in slow motion. 

To cope, I recommend staying organized. Keep your own timeline notes, ask the agency to explain each step, and maybe even negotiate small flexibilities (for example, agreeing on how quickly they’ll respond to your messages). The more knowledge you have about what comes next, the less helpless you may feel.

Remember that eventually you will be back in charge - holding your child, making decisions about nursery, school, and life. In the meantime, try to focus on what you can do: plan the baby’s arrival, research parenting topics, or join a support group. These proactive steps can restore a sense of autonomy over your journey.

Worries About Male Role Models or “Missing” Figures

Some gay couples and single parents worry that their child might be “missing” a mother, a father, or a traditional family structure, because of societal narratives rather than reality. These thoughts often surface late at night or when confronted with judgment from others.

Research consistently shows that children thrive in loving, stable environments, regardless of their parents’ gender or number. What matters most is emotional availability, security, and care, not fitting a traditional mold.

Still, these worries can feel real. Many parents find reassurance in intentionally surrounding their child with diverse role models - friends, relatives, mentors, so the child grows up seeing many ways of being an adult and a family. What you are building is not lacking; it is intentionally created.

Feeling disconnected from the pregnancy

Not carrying the baby yourself can create a strange sense of being on the outside. You’re deeply invested in every scan and kick (by report!), but you might feel like an observer. Many intended mothers say they grieve the loss of that physical connection. Research finds that women who must use a surrogate often feel emotional distance from key pregnancy moments.

You might think: “Will I bond as strongly with my baby if I didn’t feel it grow inside me?” 

For gay couples and single men, this question often shows up differently but just as powerfully: “Will I feel like a real parent?” “Will this baby feel truly mine?”

But remember, bonding comes in many forms.

Planning for a baby, having your name on the contract, attending ultrasound appointments - these are all real steps to parenthood. Losing the chance to feel pregnant is legitimately hard, we all know if, and instead of dismissing feelings, we need to do our best to accept them.

To cope, find alternate ways to connect. Talk to the baby, take classes on infant care, or start a scrapbook together. Many IPs find that once the baby is here, the love is just as strong - and sometimes even grows during the journey.

When the journey feels transactional

Surrogacy, especially international surrogacy, can sometimes feel uncomfortably businesslike. Contracts, timelines, databases, invoices, and legal agreements quickly take center stage. When you are selecting an egg donor from an online database or reviewing surrogate profiles, it can feel disturbingly close to “shopping” for something that is, at its core, deeply human. It’s common to feel jarred by the contrast between your dream of a child and the spreadsheets, notarised agreements, and bank transfers that surround it.

Many intended parents worry that the relationship with their surrogate feels transactional. In international arrangements, this feeling can be amplified by distance, language barriers, and layers of agencies and clinics. Even when everyone involved is acting ethically and with good intentions, the structure itself can feel impersonal.

At the same time, some intended parents find comfort in those very structures. Clear contracts, defined compensation, and agreed boundaries can protect everyone involved, including the surrogate, and reduce emotional ambiguity. What may initially feel cold or clinical can also be what allows the relationship to remain respectful, safe, and sustainable.

When these feelings surface, it helps to name them rather than push them away. Talking openly with your partner, consultant, or even your surrogate can help re-humanize the process. Simple acknowledgements like “This contract is necessary, but it’s hard to think about our future baby in legal terms”, can be surprisingly grounding.

Many parents balance the transactional aspects by consciously creating personal moments alongside them: choosing a baby name, writing a heartfelt message to the donor or surrogate, saving ultrasound photos, or preparing the nursery. These small acts remind you that behind every agreement and database entry is a shared goal - a child and a family, not just a process.

The waiting and uncertainty

One of the very hardest parts is the two-week wait after each embryo transfer. Intended parents often describe those days as “the longest of the fertility journey,” filled with both hope and fear.

Surrogates can find themselves obsessively checking symptoms, Google-searching pregnancy signs, or re-running every detail in their head. And intended parents feel anxious and powerless during this time. After the transfer, you literally have no more medical steps to take and must simply wait for a pregnancy test.

If the transfer doesn’t take, it can be heartbreaking and exhausting to start over again, not just for intended parents or the surrogate - it affects you all.

So, a mix of excitement and worry is very common. What can you do? Talking openly with your partner, your agency, your doctor and/or a counselor, and planning some self-care activities, can help you manage the stress of the wait.

Communication frustrations

Sometimes having a go-between for updates can feel maddening. You might long to speak directly to your surrogate or hear from your coordinator as soon as possible, but often there is an intermediary (agency) who relays information. That can lead to delays or filtered messages, which understandably feels awkward when it’s your child. For example, maybe you have news to share (a holiday photo or a feel-good message) but worry it will get lost in translation. Or perhaps you’re anxious that you’re not getting the full picture of how things are progressing.

I will always advise on setting up clear communication plans early on.. Being explicit about communication boundaries and frequency can reduce misunderstandings. 

Many people I’ve worked with find that once a communication rhythm is established, this frustration eases. In the end, most surrogates and IPs want smooth communication too - it benefits everyone to stay on the same page.

Pressure to be the “perfect” intended parents

It’s often expected, explicitly or not, that intended parents should be endlessly grateful, calm, and compliant. You may feel like you have to put on a brave face all the time, never expressing anger or disappointment. 

But remember: you’re human. It’s okay to have negative emotions. 

You might feel guilt or fear after a difficult test result; you might feel frustrated if a provider mixes up the dates or some important information; or you might even feel anger in a bad moment. None of these feelings make you “difficult” or ungrateful - they make you human.

Expressing your full range of emotions (in a respectful way) can actually help you cope better. If something is bothering you, see if there is a way to address it constructively (for example, politely asking for clarification or more involvement). 

Most surrogacy professionals understand how delicate this process is. It can be helpful to remind yourself that “good intended parent” doesn’t mean “silent intended parent.” 

If you’re worried about a contract clause or feeling anxious about a health decision, bring it up. You deserve to be heard. Many intended parents find that, with kind but firm communication, they can express concerns without causing a problem.

Relationship strain with your partner

Surrogacy is a team effort, and it can put strain on any couple. You and your partner might cope in very different ways. For example, one of you might want to talk about every update incessantly, while the other might go quiet and withdraw. These differences can spark misunderstandings. Surrogacy can test the strongest bonds. 

Financial pressure, long waits, and the rollercoaster of the process can amplify these tensions. To navigate this, it helps for each partner to understand the other’s coping style. You might agree on “check-in” times where you each share feelings, or decide which topics to handle individually to avoid constant tension.

Counseling (either fertility-focused or general couples therapy) is often very beneficial. A therapist can help you communicate effectively and recognize when you need to support each other versus give space. Remember, it’s perfectly normal for couples to feel out of sync at times. The important thing is to acknowledge it and work together as friends first, co-parents second.

Many couples actually emerge stronger, having weathered surrogacy’s unique stresses as a team.

The “visibility” issue

One subtle challenge is simply that you don’t look pregnant, so the world doesn’t know you’re on this journey. People won’t instinctively offer you a seat or ask how your pregnancy is going. When you finally take maternity leave, you might face questions like “Is this for a baby, or just vacation?” It’s a strange invisibility. 

Some intended parents choose to be open about the surrogacy, while others consider it private. Whichever you prefer, consider having a sentence or two ready that you’re comfortable sharing, such as “I’m expecting via surrogate” or even just “We’re becoming parents soon.”

You always have the right to privacy, so you can also deflect with something vague if you’re not ready to explain. For example, “I have some exciting news, hoping to share it soon.” The key is: you control what you tell people.

It may feel strange that no one notices the emotional highs and lows you’re experiencing, since you aren’t literally pregnant. Accepting this “invisible pregnancy” is tough. Seek out supportive friends who ask how you are doing, not just your non-existent baby bump. Online communities , like Surrogacy Insider Facebook group, can also validate that your experience is real even if it’s not visible to others.

Navigating Social Judgment and Lack of Understanding

Gay couples and single parents by choice often face an added emotional layer: explaining (or defending) their path to parenthood. Even well-meaning friends, family members, or colleagues may ask intrusive questions or express opinions rooted in misunderstanding, bias, or outdated ideas about what a “family” should look like.

Comments like “Why don’t you just adopt?”, “Isn’t this unfair to the child?”, or “Who will be the real parent?” can be painful and exhausting. Over time, repeatedly educating others can feel like an emotional burden on top of an already demanding journey.

It’s important to remember that you do not owe anyone an explanation. You can choose when to educate, when to set boundaries, and when to disengage. Having a few prepared responses can help you feel more confident and less caught off guard. Surrounding yourself with affirming communities - friends, support groups, or other LGBTQ+ or solo parents, can also provide much-needed validation and strength.

Anxiety about the birth itself

As the due date approaches, another set of fears can emerge. You may worry: “Will I be able to attend the birth? Will the hospital treat me as the mother or father? What if complications arise? Who makes decisions if we’re not the ones giving birth?” These are understandable concerns. 

Every country and clinic handles delivery procedures differently, so as a first step, check the birth plan and your legal rights well in advance.

You can ask your agency questions like: Who will hold the baby first? Will you and your partner be in the delivery room? What if there’s an emergency C-section? What if the baby requires additional medical care in the neonatal unit?

Remember: your surrogate and the whole team want a healthy baby too, and they usually plan thoroughly for the birth. 

Most importantly, know that anxious or intrusive thoughts near the end of a pregnancy are common. It's another form of the “what if?” worries. 

Keep talking with your partner or your close ones about these fears, lean on your support network, and focus on the excitement: soon you’ll be holding your baby. 

With each passing day, you’re one step closer. 

You’ve come so far already; trust that you can handle this final step, too.

Conclusion

Surrogacy is a journey of profound hope and complexity. 

Every emotion you feel, from joy and love to fear and grief, is a natural response. You are building your family in an extraordinary way, and it’s okay to seek support along the way. Lean on people who understand, take things day by day, and remember that you aren’t alone in any of this. 

With clarity, compassion, and a bit of planning, you can navigate these challenges. 

Countless other intended parents have traveled this road too and come through to the other side with a beautiful family in hand. Your resilience and care will guide you through.

Sending you strength and warmth on this journey – you’ve got this.