A Retrospective Before the Surrogacy Journey: Celebrating Who You Were Before You Started

Surrogacy journeys often come with a whirlwind of paperwork, phone calls, messages, and constant decision-making. It’s easy to become so wrapped up in the process that you “can’t seem to remember who you were” before your quest to have a baby began. 

As this year draws to a close, take a moment in December to pause and reflect. This isn’t about false hope or holiday cheer – it’s about you. It’s about appreciating the amazing person (or couple) you already are, independent of any surrogacy outcomes. 

If you find yourself thinking you’ve “lost another year” because your surrogate isn’t pregnant yet, remember that time was not lost – it was spent building resilience, strengthening relationships, and living a life that deserves recognition.

Surrogacy Can Feel All-Consuming

Once the surrogacy process starts, it can quickly become all-consuming. The logistics and emotional investment required are enormous – from screening processes and medical appointments to legal contracts and waiting by the phone for updates. 

Infertility and surrogacy treatments can be so intense that you risk losing touch with your true self. Many intended parents admit it’s easy to become consumed by the journey, with every thought revolving around the next step or hurdle. Maybe the goal is not to lose sense of who you were before you started, because the truth is - you can easily become consumed by the process.

Year’s end can amplify this feeling. 

The holiday season often highlights the passage of time, and if you’re still waiting for a pregnancy, you might feel the weight of another year gone by. You may catch yourself focusing on what hasn’t happened:  the baby that isn’t here yet,  and you feel disappointment or even as a failure. But focusing only on what you’re missing can lead to bitterness. 

Instead, gently remind yourself that this journey, as consuming as it is, is just one part of your life. There is life beyond the goal of having a baby, and that life has value, meaning, and joy that deserve to be acknowledged.

Remember the Person You Were, And Still Are

Before surrogacy or before infertility struggles, you were a whole person with a multifaceted identity. That person is still within you. It’s essential not to let infertility or the surrogacy process define your entire self. Any period of your journey is good to take a step back and recall your interests, passions, and accomplishments outside of wishes and goals related to parenthood.

Maybe you’re an artist, a mentor, a world traveler, a devoted friend, or a successful professional. You have talents and qualities that have nothing to do with babies or pregnancy. Going easy on yourself and remembering that you’re not defined by your situation might be hard, so you can create a list of things you’re good at: skiing, cooking, writing, being a good friend, excelling at your job, etc. Anything can work if your goal for today is to remind you of your worth beyond parenthood. 

In that spirit, let’s celebrate those aspects of who you are. 

What do you love about yourself or your life that has been overshadowed lately?What did you miss the most this year while being very focused on your surrogacy journey?Is there anything you were planning for a “calmer period of your life”?

My advice is:

Consider engaging in activities that used to bring you joy before the journey took over. 

Whether it’s hiking, immersing yourself in a good book, crafting, writing, or watching a move or a game, carve out time for it.

These are not just distractions; they are expressions of your true self. By staying in touch with the things that make you feel relaxed and joyful, you honor the person you have always been, even as you pursue new dreams.

Celebrating Your Strength and Resilience

Embarking on a surrogacy journey often means you’ve already weathered a storm of challenges. Many intended parents reach this path after enduring infertility treatments, losses, or years of waiting and savings. Take a moment to recognize your strength and resilience in coming this far. The fact that you haven’t given up hope of building your family is a testament to your courage and determination. Those qualities were part of you before surrogacy and have only grown stronger through adversity.

It’s also okay to acknowledge the hardships without letting them overshadow your pride in how you’ve coped. This process can bring grief, anxiety, and uncertainty, but you’ve survived 100% of your worst days so far. You can hold your head high for handling the emotional roller coaster with grace. 

Remember that your body or circumstances might have “failed” so far, but you are not a failure. There is a crucial difference between what happens to you and who you are. Every hurdle you’ve overcome, every failed cycle, every difficult decision, and every challenging semen analysis result is proof of your resilience, strength, and determination to move forward.

Celebrate that resilience. 

It means that no matter what lies ahead, you carry within you the strength to face it.

Cherishing Your Partnership (If You Have One)

For those on this journey with a partner, it’s time to reflect on the two of you as a team. The stress of trying to have a baby can sometimes make couples forget the foundation of love and partnership they share. You and your partner had an entire history before surrogacy – all the memories, adventures, and quiet moments that shaped your bond. Celebrate that!

During the frenzy of embryo transfers and surrogate matching, date nights might have been replaced with doctor appointments, and pillow talk with budget discussions. It’s important to reconnect and remember why you embarked on this journey together in the first place. 

You are both on the same team in your surrogacy journey!  

So, make time for your relationship outside of “baby talk.” Plan a special evening or an outing just for fun. Reminisce about the first time you met or your favorite trip together. By nurturing your partnership, you’re honoring the life you’ve built as a couple, a life that’s valuable on its own, not just as a means to an end.

If you’re an intended parent pursuing surrogacy on your own (solo), celebrate the support network and friendships that lift you up. Reflect on the people who have been there for you, like family or friends, and all the meaningful connections in your life. Those relationships are part of your story and deserve appreciation.

Acknowledge the Life You’ve Built So Far

Beyond the label of “intended parent”, you have a full life story that is still unfolding. Take stock of the good things in your life right now. It could be a fulfilling career you’ve poured yourself into, a home that you’ve made warm and welcoming, passions you’ve explored, or communities you’re a part of. All of these achievements and experiences are threads in the fabric of who you are.

Often, when we’re longing for the next chapter (parenthood), we overlook the current chapters that are rich with meaning. It’s easy to lose perspective on all you have to be grateful for. 

Some of the intended parents shared an idea about the gratitude journal in our Facebook group, and I loved the idea! In practice, this could mean each day in December you write down something in your life that you appreciate, no matter how small. It might be the support of your partner, the comfort of your pet, a project at work that went well, or simply the fact that you made it through a tough year together.

Reflecting on how far you’ve come is also a powerful exercise. Think back to before this journey began – maybe it was just you and your partner dreaming of a family “someday.” Since then, you’ve likely grown in ways you might not even realize.

Talk with your partner about the challenges you’ve overcome together and the ways this process has strengthened your bond or revealed new facets of yourselves. Wake up each day and try to be  thankful for something and talk about it that day. Remember the victories (personal, relational, professional) that this year held for you. They matter. You matter,  just as you are today, not only as a future parent.

Embracing the Present and the Road Ahead

By celebrating who you were before the surrogacy journey – and who you still are – you ground yourself in self-appreciation and even self-love. This reflective pause is not about abandoning your dreams of parenthood; it’s about nurturing the person (or couple) carrying those dreams. You are enough, right here and now. The life you’ve built is meaningful and worthy of celebration, with or without a baby in it yet.

As the new year approaches, you can carry forward this sense of wholeness. Yes, you will continue to hope that your family-building dreams come true (and you absolutely should). But alongside that hope, hold onto the knowledge of your own worth and the richness of the life you’ve created so far. This will be your anchor through the ups and downs ahead.

Give yourself permission this December to step off the hamster wheel of planning and waiting. Take a deep breath and look back at the road you’ve traveled. Celebrate your strength, your partnership, and the person you have become on this journey. You have not failed – you have endured. You have not lost time – you have invested it in love, growth, and perseverance. And that is truly something to celebrate before you take the next step forward.

If this reflection spoke to you, you don’t have to hold it all alone. Inside our private Facebook group, other intended parents are honoring the same strength, asking the same questions, and walking the same uncertain road. You already have a village, you just haven’t met them yet. We’d love to have you there.

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